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Self image. Always shifting. Just like all senses always adjusting to environments and surroundings. Change. Something I had and still have to accept as part of the cycle that I am only a small part of. I find myself protecting my heart so much, that I block the things I don’t realize I might need. Love. It’s almost like, with certain love, I no longer play a small roll. For in certain love, you are half of what is present, whether you are attempting to makeup for what’s lacking or lacking what someone else is attempting to gain. I can manage love on an overall scale because I can still protect myself and keep expectations at a minimal, if at all. But if I narrow down love, the risk is greater, and I just recently have been able to grasp the inevitability of change in itself in the cycle of being alive. I believe you would feel ready when you are ready. That doubt and risk would all be pushed aside when the heart is louder than logic. Is it possible I am ready but the certain love is within and for myself.

It’s hard to be outside looking in as the viewer, when you’re so deep inside the scene of a movie that makes the most sense. My goal is to be connected while having the ability of maintaining disconnection to evaluate clearly. But the effort of reminding myself of lessons learned, is causing me think before I feel. Processing with little or no room to react. Logic has not failed me because emotion is based on it. At this point, it is uncertain to know what is healthy because where I am feels safe, efficient, and accurate. I understand that the past is in our memory and that the future is in our imagination. But it is my memory and my imagination that keeps me aware and living in the present. All elements and layers are what makes me feel like I’m living inside the fibers of my existence. The fibers of my mind, my body, and my energy.

Food for thought. Thought food. Heart vs. Mind.

Photo: DS Art (Don Stewart)

Everything I acknowledge with my eyes, my taste buds, my smell,  and my hearing. Everything around me. All the time. Without cigarettes and anxiety meds, my brain has been overloaded with constant effort to balance what I witness. How to do I learn from what I’m looking at? What can I learn from what I’m hearing? I feel like a sponge with brain cells taking in as much information as they possibly can. 50 scenarios, 10 opinions, 100 words… five seconds. This has happened before but I was not calm. I had not learned how to be calm yet. I still haven’t completely learned how to be calm at all times for the air is constantly testing me. I’m practicing to be the calm in the midst of chaos.

The day continues in my happiness, when I do not fight with what is here and now.

Conversation Randominio

Perspective is opinion based on observations of both assumptions and experience. Results can provide both more questions or some answers. Never will all things be clear enough to give only answers. It is us whom make our own realities. Delusional? Not necessarily. The skies above us and dirt below, are all proof of creation. A creator. Time. The evidence of time.

It’s the things that do not come easy, that we realize the value. It’s the incomplete sentences that cause us to ask again. Comparing. Prioritizing. Life is full of preparation for the unknown reality and hope for ideal results.

Real love reminds us of what matters the most to our subconscious self as well. The eyes and hands can speak a million words without a sound. Connecting. Solving. Life is complex even though the word itself is simple.

I wake and sleep all morning with an appointment in mind that symbolizes a new page in my life. The rest of my life begins today and the past must only remind me of what I’ve learned and enjoyed.

My mind is scattered yet calm. Today is a big day.

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